Oh How You Mock Me So

And by ‘you’ I mean ‘me.’

I just posted this status on Facebook:

This universe/my future self is always conspiring against me… feel like being social and less hermit-like, and BOOM! I get [J's] cold, only worse than he had it. I’m surprised my nose is still attached to my face. Damn you future self and your teaching me life lessons!! *shakes fist*

And it got the philosophical gears in my head moving (hopefully in a way that makes some sense, if not, I blame the death battle between viruses and antibodies within my body):

I believe in reincarnation and non-linear time (timey-wimey). Each life we have is a progression towards obtaining our highest self and it’s all happening concurrently. This highest self chooses which lessons you need to learn in each lifetime, and these lessons have to be learnt in order to move onto the next level/life. So those problems you’re having? You choose them for yourself for a reason. This is where my philosophy on suicide comes into play: if you choose to end your life because it has become too hard, you are only prolonging the inevitable. The same problem/lesson will still be there for your next life. To quote a friend:

Suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

You’re going to have to get through this period whether you like it or not, otherwise you’ll be stuck forever at the same level of being, repeating this life over and over. As someone who has dealt with suicidal thoughts, this philosophy has, literally, been a life saver. It also helps to realise that you wouldn’t have chosen these particular lessons and trials if you knew you wouldn’t be able to get through them. Your highest self knows you can, so have faith in yourself.

To get back to this current lesson that I seem to need to learn: take things slowly and look after yourself.

Good things take time and persistence. You think you’re ready to be fully social again? Na-ah! And lets just make sure you get a good dose of this cold to prove the point. You keep going about things half-arsed and you’re going to keep failing. You need to let yourself take time to properly get things together. Of course, you know this already. How about letting the message get through to the rest of your brain, instead of ambushing it with spontaneity for a change?

I know my highest self has my best interests at heart. Sabotage wouldn’t get anyone anywhere. Of course if things were easy, they wouldn’t be lessons. Doesn’t stop me from thinking my highest self is a sadist bitch sometimes though.

Decisions Made

Following on from yesterday’s post, I now have a fair idea with regards to my immediate future.

With J’s support, I have decided to withdraw from the rest of the semester.

I am too far behind (four weeks), and I can’t get my head back in the game.  Evil Twin Fae and her gremlins feeding this sense of complete failure is not going to let me fix things quickly.  I realise now that there is no way to salvage the remains of this semester.

I need a break. A chance to re-evaluate things.

At this stage I will be going back to attend the second semester, but probably as more of a part-time student, as per J’s advice.

As the second semester doesn’t start until 9 July 2012, that gives me about two months to sort my head out, and what my future as a student entails.

I’m still very unsure about everything, and how I feel. There is definitely now a sense of relief that a preliminary decision has been made, with a little bit of disappointment poking its way through from underneath.

Slippery Like a Fox

That’s how my mind feels to me right now.  I can almost get a hold of things, only to have it all slip through my fingers.

Now is a completely inappropriate time to be having a depressive cycle. Come on brain! At least I can get work done during a manic cycle.

It all just seems too much…

I don’t think I’m cut out for university. It’s still kicking my arse after two & a half years and I’m only half way to my degree.

But what else will I do? It’s not like I can just go get a job in this state (both the country’s economy and myself mentally).

And I do enjoy learning, most of the time.  I don’t even mind writing the odd essay.

I was so good last term! It felt like everything had finally clicked into place.

Now that the wedding is all over and done with though, I’ve had this massive drop that I just can’t pick myself up from.  It’s a real decent one this time.  I’ve just been feeling deflated since the day after the wedding. Given that the wedding was a month ago today, this is my longest depressive cycle I’ve had for a long time.

Even though J knew that this could happen occasionally, he knew my mental health history before he married me, I still feel like I’m letting him down.  He doesn’t deserve all this worry. This isn’t what the honeymoon period is supposed to be like!

I wonder if this is similar to what post-natal depression feels like?

What am I going to do?

Free to Good Home

We need to find somewhere to rehome Pedro.

While he’s awesome with all humans, including children, he is nothing but a giant bully towards Coffee.

It’s not fair on either of them to be in such a stressful situation, and this has been an incredibly hard decision to make.

I have placed an ad on Trade Me with all the details for those interested.

Please spread the word and hopefully someone will be able to adopt Pedro, giving him the happy life he deserves.