My Rapist was my Boyfriend

There have been a number of conversations lately regarding consent. After reading this article by Tracy Clark-Flory about safewords being ignored, I decided it was time I talked about my own experience.

TRIGGER WARNING: Rape

When I was 23, I was raped.

It took me a long time to realise what happened was in fact rape. I had thought just acknowledging it would be enough to come to terms with what happened, and it did, for a short time. I hope by talking about it now, it will give me some closure, and perhaps stop the same thing from happening to at least one other person.

I was young, inexperienced, na├»ve and in my first BDSM relationship. French was my Master, and I was his submissive. I was completely infatuated with him, and trusted him completely. I couldn’t talk to anyone else about the relationship, because I was French’s secret mistress, and he didn’t want it getting back to his partner. I got it in my head that because they were having problems, he would leave her for me, and to help that happen, I would do anything to please him.

One night French sent me a text to say he was coming round. I was to meet him at the door completely naked, or we would have anal sex (which we had not had together up until that point, because I was not ready, and had told him so, repeatedly). That was the whole extent of the negotiation. No discussion of safewords, hard limits, or anything else. I didn’t think I would ever never a safeword. Why would I? I (thought I) was in love with French, and trusted him completely. He would never force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Would he?

I was living in a flat by myself at this point. So I had no safety back up, someone to help me make sure nothing went wrong. Again, I didn’t think I would need to.

I sat on the couch, naked under my bathrobe, eagerly awaiting French’s arrival. He knocked, I disrobed, and opened the door. I thought (mistakenly) that this would show him that I truly had no desire to engage in any anal sex with him that night.

French led me to my bedroom. Some foreplay ensued. He grabbed a condom, put it on. Then it happened. He flipped me over onto my front and pinned me down. I tried to get away, while saying “No! I don’t want to!” He ignored my pleas, even though consensual non-consent was not part of our dynamic (I didn’t even know such a thing existed). There was no preparation, no lube. I stopped struggling, and lay there silently, trying to move into a position where maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much, just wanting it to be over.

When he was finished, I felt numb, unsure what had just happened. Rape never even crossed my mind, after all, he was my boyfriend. Boyfriends don’t rape their girlfriends.

I ignored whatever I was feeling. Dirty. Used. After putting my bathrobe back on, I joined French on the couch, and we watched Project Runway together. And he went home.

A couple of weeks later, French and I parted ways. I had met J, and, after falling for him completely (for real this time), wanted to be exclusive.

About two years later, French got in contact with me again. By this point I had realised the true extent of what had happened, and I told him as such. He sheepishly said he didn’t realise, and had just gotten caught up in the moment. I believe that was his “apology.” I have not talked to him since, and have no desire too.

I know now that I, in no way, deserved what happened to me. I had followed the rules, and he had taken advantage of my innocence.

I don’t regret what happened though, it has helped make me who I am today, and I’m pretty ok with that person.

When is Rape Not Rape?

You know the answer. Never. Rape is rape is rape.

When J shared the following article with me last night, I felt compelled to write about it.

Trigger warning

A registered nurse who had sexual liaisons with three teenage boys has been sentenced to a year’s home detention.

Aroha Veronica Webber, 41, was sentenced in the Rotorua District Court today after earlier pleading guilty to six charges of unlawful sexual connection with the 15-year-olds.

Her counsel, Paul Mabey, QC, submitted if they had been a year older no carnal crime would have been committed. She had not sexually groomed the boys.

He outlined how they had gathered at Webber’s home when she was in a fragile state following her marriage breakdown. As a result of this she had “hit the booze” and the offending had occurred, Mr Mabey said.

She had allowed the boys into her home rather than see them wandering the streets.

Webber strenuously denied a claim in a victim impact statement that one of the boys had contracted a sexually transmitted disease from her.

“She is a registered nurse, she knows her own body’s health,” Mr Mabey submitted.

Judge James Weir also discounted the allegation. He noted her offending had been entirely out of character and had occurred when she was “disinhibited” by alcohol.

- Nurse sentenced for sex with teens

Now let’s step back for a moment. Imagine the accused is instead a 41-year-old male, and the victims are 15-year-girls.

“[If the victims] had been a year older no carnal crime would have been committed” certainly would not be seen as a valid excuse.  It didn’t happen in a years time, or with 16-year-olds, it happened now, with 15 year olds.  A 15-year-old is legally unable to consent to any sexual activity. Age of Consent It's not just a suggestion!

It doesn’t matter that the victims entered the accused’s home voluntarily. That doesn’t mean they automatically consent to anything that happens within the home, even if they weren’t minors.

As for the accused denying that it was possible that one of the victims contracted a STD from the encounter because “she is a registered nurse, she knows her own body’s health”, then she would also know that STDs/STIs can be asymptomatic. She could have been a carrier for the disease/infection without knowing. That’s why sexual health checks are important, along with PROTECTED sexual activity, which obviously didn’t happen in this case.

Would the judge had accepting that the accused “was ‘disinhibited’ by alcohol” (‘disinhibited’ isn’t a word by the way, it should be ‘uninhibited’), and that it was “entirely out of character”? I understand that a marriage breakdown is a stressful time, but that doesn’t give you a free pass. What if something more serious had happened, what if this was a murder trial? Would being “‘disinhibited’ by alcohol”, having a marriage breakdown, and it being “entirely out of character” be mitigating factors? Just because she hasn’t been accused before doesn’t mean this is the first time something like this has happened (admit it, you’d think the same thing if she was actually a male).

And what’s with the sentence of home detention? The offending happened AT HER HOME.

This whole thing is just all kinds of wrong… what kind of justice is this?

~~ Feel so dirty after looking for appropriate images for this post… Need to go cleanse myself… I’m so disappointed in humanity.~~