Continuing on from today’s earlier post, I think I’ll take today as an overall win.
My visit to the doctor went well, and my medication dosage will be increased from tomorrow. This means it will now be at the maximum daily dosage for anxiety/panic. My doctor is going to write to the Canterbury District Health Board (CDHB) to refer me for a mental health assessment. It will probably take at least a couple of months to get an appointment, considering I have been waiting nearly six months for an appointment with the gynecologist (that’s after receiving a letter late February/early March this year stating that I would have an appointment within six months).
Considering my mental state is really starting to impede J’s own studies, I really hope this whole thing gets sorted. It’s not fair on him, and the guilt only makes me worse. The worse I get, the more I feel like I’m going to break something, just to have some sort of release. I have managed to contain myself so far, but it worries me that at some point I might not be able to. I don’t want to hurt myself, and I most definitely don’t want to end up hurting someone else.
It’s like I’m fighting against an evil twin in my mind sometimes, an evil twin who tried their damned hardest to undermine whatever it is that I do, and has the depression and anxiety gremlins for sidekicks. They go around planting seeds of self-doubt and anger, at myself and those around me, all the while hoping to snatch control for themselves and create a whirlwind of havoc. It’s hard maintaining control myself, and it’s getting tiring. I’ve won most of the battles so far, but winning a battle doesn’t mean that you’re winning the war.
Continuing the tally from earlier this week, the score is now:
Evil twin & gremlins – 2 (previously known as Depression/Anxiety)
Me – 1
I can only hope for a draw at best, with there only being one day of lectures to go for this week, but I will take that as a win, and definitely as progress in the right direction.