The Second-Guessing

Today I came across a post on xoJane.

This excerpt really spoke to me:

Living with a mental illness is a study in survival. Every day, every emotion is questioned. What is this? Am I happy or am I starting to head towards mania? Is this an honest sadness or is my brain breaking again? Why is it breaking now? What is so different now than yesterday? Why me? Why this?

To say it’s frustrating is to minimize how paralyzing it can be. And then there’s the shame. Having to decide who to reveal to and when. If I meet someone I’m interested in, do I tell them that sometimes I shrink away or do I wait until it happens? Revealing too much too soon can end it before it begins. Waiting too long results in confusing behaviour that ends things as well. No matter how you play, someone isn’t going to understand.

– Bassey, Does That Make Me Crazy? Living With Bipolar II

How do you know that what you’re feeling is normal? Do other people feel the same way? We are only able to access the information inside our own heads, not others. It’s like trying to work out if other people see colours exactly the way you do. The way someone else sees perceives sea green (for example) maybe the way someone else sees perceives purple, but that’s the way they and you have always seen it, that’s what we were taught as children. It’s impossible to work out if you and I see things in exactly the same way, just like trying to work out if people’s emotions and internal, mental reactions to every day events are the same.

I’m not sure if what I’ve said above even makes sense to someone else… I know exactly what I mean, but of course you can’t see or hear my thoughts inside my head, or feel the way that I’m feeling.

Sure we all know that the majority of us will get a similar feeling of sadness from something, a feeling of happiness from something, feeling of anger from yet something else, but how do you know if the feeling that is triggered inside you is the same level that someone else will be feeling. What is the ‘normal’ way to be feeling about things? Do we really all get days were we feel extra sad, or days were we feel extra happy for no known reason? Or there might be a reason, but then you start asking yourself if the way you’re reacting and feeling is more extreme than someone else would be in the same or similar situation (or at least I personally do).

Then you get a whole other problem where you start to second guess whether what you’re feeling is a ‘true’ emotion, or are you just faking it so well that even you can’t be sure yourself whether it’s real or not.

And there’s issue where you start asking yourself why you find particular things triggering for mania or depression. Situations like getting low blood sugar, not getting enough sleep, even just stubbing your toe. Do other bipolar sufferers find these or similar events can lead them into an episode?

Over the top of all of this, there’s this thought gnawing away at you in the back of your mind, “Is this diagnosis really what’s wrong with me? What if I just display all the symptoms because that’s what I started believing I had? What if I’m actually a hypochondriac, and the reasons the medication works is because I believe it will work and therefore it has a placebo effect?” (Though in saying that, not all medication has worked for me, some making things worse, others not having any effect.)

I know there’s some of you out there that will read this and start to worry. You don’t need to, I’m ok πŸ™‚ Really this is just me thinking aloud, wondering if there are others who feel the same way as I do, and looking for some enlightenment.

The Kink Spectrum Revisited

I first did a post on the kink spectrum back in April 2011. I figured seeing as it has been nearly a year, and I have done two other kink-related posts recently (here and here), I may as well give it another go, this time though I have included another test from, the result of which will follow the two original tests.

My results for The Kink Spectrum Test:


Kink repertoire 79%; 65% mental, 42% polar, and 62% unusual. Previously: Kink repertoire 71%; 64% mental, 79% polar, and 52% unusual.

Explanation of variables (I have highlighted the categories which I fall into, and noted difference to previous result in sea green):

KINK: How broad your kink repertoire is.
If your percentage isn’t as high as you think it should be, keep this in mind: there are people who like kinky things that you don’t like out there, and that may be a useful thing to know. Look for people who have similar overall kinkiness percentages.
– Higher, not by much though.

MENTAL: Mental vs. physical axis.
0-30: you enjoy the physical more than the mental
30-70: you enjoy the physical and mental equally
70-100: you enjoy the mental more than the physical
– Higher (barely), same category.

POLAR: Polar vs. nonpolar axis.
Whether it matters who’s doing it — you or the other person.
0-30: you like it both ways
30-70: your preferences are somewhat directional
70-100: you do one thing, they do another
– Lower, it would seem I now take a more balanced approach.

UNUSUAL: Unusual vs. typical axis.
0-30: you like the usual things
30-70: you do some of both
70-100: you prefer strange stuff
– Higher, still in the same category, but slightly less vanilla.

Within the cornucopia of kink, there are some things that most people, even people who don’t think of themselves as kinky, enjoy. Then there are things that it’s really best to ask first, or you might find yourself staring at a shocked or confused expression on the face of your naked companion. So it’s good to know how typical vs. unusual your preferences are.


My results for The Kink Spectrum Analysis Test:


Blue (450 nm)
You scored 68% self-confidence and 61% bandwidth! Previously: 70% self-confidence and 67% bandwidth.

Comparison with previous results is in magenta.

You scored 64% giving and 31% receiving on oral.
– Decrease in both, 68% giving and 38% receiving.
You scored 78% giving and 100% receiving on anal.
– Slight decrease in giving (89%), and now all for receiving (90%).
You scored 8% giving and 50% receiving on bondage.
– Interestingly preference for giving has not changed (8%), and but desire for receiving has (64%).
You scored 44% giving and 62% receiving on humiliation.
– No change for giving (44%), and confirmation of what I was already suspecting, that I am indeed more interested in receiving (71%).
You scored 28% giving and 67% receiving on pain.
– I’m not so interest in the art pain it would seem, 44% giving and 76% receiving.
You scored 36% dominance and 53% submission.
– More dominant (33%) and less submissive (60%), which is actually the opposite of what I’ve been feeling lately. Go figure. Though I may be confusing my desire for humiliation and degradation with submission.
You scored 71% voyeurism and 58% exhibitionism.
– Same interest in watching (71%), but would like to be watched slightly more (53%).

Besides that, you’re 44% into fetishism (what the? that’s certainly a surprise, 75%) and 88% polysexual (same same same, 88%) (i.e. interested in sex with multiple partners, whether at the same time or not). You’ll probably want a partner who is similar, whether you scored high or low in these categories.

Finally, you scored 39% on autoerotic (this is also an unexpected change, 65%) – a scale that measures your ability and/or willingness to have kinky fun without a partner. It’s not exactly a matching criterion, but it’s good for you if your score is high. Keep it up!


And now we have the new test:

My results for The GIGANTIC Sexual Impurity Test:


The Seeker of Kink
You have 51% Impurity, 37% Experience, 69% Fantasies, and 35% Freakyness!

You have experimented quite a bit in your life, but you long to do more… a lot more. All those taboos are simply begging to be broken… (Yeah, that’s about right.)


And that’s it. Take the tests for yourself, and let me know how you go in the comments below πŸ™‚