The Philosophical Chicken

Snagged from Jetta Vegas via Tumblr:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

PLATO: For the greater good.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

MACHIAVELLI: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

JACQUES DERRIDA: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

THOMAS DE TORQUEMADA: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.


NIETZSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

OLIVER NORTH: National Security was at stake.

B.F. SKINNER: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

ARISTOTLE: To actualize its potential.

BUDDHA: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

HOWARD COSELL: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.


DARWIN: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

EMILY DICKINSON: Because it could not stop for death.

EPICURUS: For fun.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

JOHANN VON GOETHE: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

WERNER HEISENBERG: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

DAVID HUME: Out of custom and habit.

JACK NICHOLSON: ‘Cause it [censored] wanted to. That’s the [censored] reason.



JOHN SUNUNU: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

THE SPHINX: You tell me.

MR. T.: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!

HENRY DAVID THOREAU: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.

MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

MOLLY YARD: It was a hen!

ZENO OF ELEA: To prove it could never reach the other side.

CHAUCER: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

WORDSWORTH: To wander lonely as a cloud.

THE GODFATHER: I didn’t want its mother to see it like that.

KEATS: Philosophy will clip a chicken’s wings.

BLAKE: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

OTHELLO: Jealousy.

DR. JOHNSON: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

MRS. THATCHER: This chicken’s not for turning.

SUPREME SOVIET: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

OSCAR WILDE: Why, indeed? One’s social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience – although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.

KAFKA: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

SWIFT: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.

MACBETH: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o’er.

WHITEHEAD: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.

FREUD: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter.)

HAMLET: That is not the question.

DONNE: It crosseth for thee.

POPE: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

CONSTABLE: To get a better view.

I’m Fat!? I Never Noticed!!

How could I have been so completely blind? Living in my own fantasy world!?

Thanks to, people now have the tools to tell us fatties what we obviously did not already know.

To quote Tallulah from over at The Lady Garden:

Because there’s no such thing as a stigma against fat people, some days, it slips my mind that I am overweight. You see, I don’t ever get random abuse shouted at me on the street. The fact that I can only shop in about 5% of the clothes shops in my city in no way makes me feel like I’ve been corralled off into some paddock where the un-sexy fatties go to pig out and wear unflattering clothes. Buying clothes on the internet, and the extra cost involved, and hit-and-miss nature of it, passes me by. Going on that traditionally “girly” expedition, Shopping, with friends of “normal” sizes, in NO WAY feels like torture. I don’t ever end up buying, like, a $100 scarf, just to feel like “one of the girls”. And I certainly don’t own masses of shoes and scarfs and jewellery, because they’re the Fat Girl’s Consolation.

Read the rest of her post here.

Apparently “most adults do not see a problem in themselves but will see it in somebody else”, but ‘experts’ also say, “you should tell overweight friends or family that they need to slim down.” Do they not see the slight conflict of interest here? Or is it just me?

Ah, concern trolling. Who has not experienced some form of this? They mean no harm of course, they’re ‘just concerned about you.’ Some even go as far to say that you must be suffering from some kind of body dysmorphia, seeing beauty where, you know, it just isn’t there. How dare you be happy with the way you look, or even consider getting upset when you are told that you shouldn’t be.

People have no right to their own ideals on others. This counts for religion, political beliefs (not always separate), preferred hair colouring, music tastes, body type… the list goes on and on.

Why must we always feel the duty to pass judgment on each other?

H/T Tallulah