Decisions Made

Following on from yesterday’s post, I now have a fair idea with regards to my immediate future.

With J’s support, I have decided to withdraw from the rest of the semester.

I am too far behind (four weeks), and I can’t get my head back in the game.  Evil Twin Fae and her gremlins feeding this sense of complete failure is not going to let me fix things quickly.  I realise now that there is no way to salvage the remains of this semester.

I need a break. A chance to re-evaluate things.

At this stage I will be going back to attend the second semester, but probably as more of a part-time student, as per J’s advice.

As the second semester doesn’t start until 9 July 2012, that gives me about two months to sort my head out, and what my future as a student entails.

I’m still very unsure about everything, and how I feel. There is definitely now a sense of relief that a preliminary decision has been made, with a little bit of disappointment poking its way through from underneath.

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak... - sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go

Slippery Like a Fox

That’s how my mind feels to me right now.  I can almost get a hold of things, only to have it all slip through my fingers.

Now is a completely inappropriate time to be having a depressive cycle. Come on brain! At least I can get work done during a manic cycle.

It all just seems too much…

I don’t think I’m cut out for university. It’s still kicking my arse after two & a half years and I’m only half way to my degree.

But what else will I do? It’s not like I can just go get a job in this state (both the country’s economy and myself mentally).

And I do enjoy learning, most of the time.  I don’t even mind writing the odd essay.

I was so good last term! It felt like everything had finally clicked into place.

Now that the wedding is all over and done with though, I’ve had this massive drop that I just can’t pick myself up from.  It’s a real decent one this time.  I’ve just been feeling deflated since the day after the wedding. Given that the wedding was a month ago today, this is my longest depressive cycle I’ve had for a long time.

Even though J knew that this could happen occasionally, he knew my mental health history before he married me, I still feel like I’m letting him down.  He doesn’t deserve all this worry. This isn’t what the honeymoon period is supposed to be like!

I wonder if this is similar to what post-natal depression feels like?

What am I going to do?

The Second-Guessing

Today I came across a post on xoJane.

This excerpt really spoke to me:

Living with a mental illness is a study in survival. Every day, every emotion is questioned. What is this? Am I happy or am I starting to head towards mania? Is this an honest sadness or is my brain breaking again? Why is it breaking now? What is so different now than yesterday? Why me? Why this?

To say it’s frustrating is to minimize how paralyzing it can be. And then there’s the shame. Having to decide who to reveal to and when. If I meet someone I’m interested in, do I tell them that sometimes I shrink away or do I wait until it happens? Revealing too much too soon can end it before it begins. Waiting too long results in confusing behaviour that ends things as well. No matter how you play, someone isn’t going to understand.

– Bassey, Does That Make Me Crazy? Living With Bipolar II

How do you know that what you’re feeling is normal? Do other people feel the same way? We are only able to access the information inside our own heads, not others. It’s like trying to work out if other people see colours exactly the way you do. The way someone else sees perceives sea green (for example) maybe the way someone else sees perceives purple, but that’s the way they and you have always seen it, that’s what we were taught as children. It’s impossible to work out if you and I see things in exactly the same way, just like trying to work out if people’s emotions and internal, mental reactions to every day events are the same.

I’m not sure if what I’ve said above even makes sense to someone else… I know exactly what I mean, but of course you can’t see or hear my thoughts inside my head, or feel the way that I’m feeling.

Sure we all know that the majority of us will get a similar feeling of sadness from something, a feeling of happiness from something, feeling of anger from yet something else, but how do you know if the feeling that is triggered inside you is the same level that someone else will be feeling. What is the ‘normal’ way to be feeling about things? Do we really all get days were we feel extra sad, or days were we feel extra happy for no known reason? Or there might be a reason, but then you start asking yourself if the way you’re reacting and feeling is more extreme than someone else would be in the same or similar situation (or at least I personally do).

Then you get a whole other problem where you start to second guess whether what you’re feeling is a ‘true’ emotion, or are you just faking it so well that even you can’t be sure yourself whether it’s real or not.

And there’s issue where you start asking yourself why you find particular things triggering for mania or depression. Situations like getting low blood sugar, not getting enough sleep, even just stubbing your toe. Do other bipolar sufferers find these or similar events can lead them into an episode?

Over the top of all of this, there’s this thought gnawing away at you in the back of your mind, “Is this diagnosis really what’s wrong with me? What if I just display all the symptoms because that’s what I started believing I had? What if I’m actually a hypochondriac, and the reasons the medication works is because I believe it will work and therefore it has a placebo effect?” (Though in saying that, not all medication has worked for me, some making things worse, others not having any effect.)

I know there’s some of you out there that will read this and start to worry. You don’t need to, I’m ok 🙂 Really this is just me thinking aloud, wondering if there are others who feel the same way as I do, and looking for some enlightenment.

I Feel Like I Missed Out…

I don’t seem to have the ultra-creativity that many other sufferers of Bipolar Disorder seem too…

Sure, I’m fairly eccentric when it comes to my clothing and hair styles, but that’s pretty much it.

I have dabbled in the odd bit of poetry and art, but not for a long time, and I certainly wouldn’t say that it was particularly fantastic (no matter what I tried to tell myself at the time).

Maybe my perceptions are being skewed by society and the media… that and the fact that I have type 2 Bipolar Disorder, which generally doesn’t seem to have the same potentially dangerous and extreme effects on an individual and their surroundings as type 1 does. I tend to have mixed episodes, and, luckily I suppose, not hypomania.

I had thought that once I had my correct diagnoses that it would make everything seem a little better, but now I feel even more isolated than anything else. I have Evil Twin Fae sitting inside my head, surrounded by her gremlins, telling me that I’m doing it wrong.

Who needs trolls when you’ve got your very own one living in your head.

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You can find a complete contradiction of this post here.