Stronger Than I Think

Gah!! The image link is broken. Sorry folks, pretty sure it’s gone forever. The post still makes general sense though, I just can’t provide the source of the inspiration.

After this post on Monday, I had an interesting conversation with @_HannahTweets_:

Note: You read this from bottom to top, in case you are unfamiliar with Twitter

This got me thinking. One of the issues stemming from my fight with depression is that I care way too much about what others may think of me. Compare this to the way I present myself to the world, and there’s a giant contradiction. I stand staunchly by my beliefs, though not completely blindly, and try to help others become aware of the vast number of social problems that plague this planet. The way I dress, my hair, my piercings and tattoos are all a giant shout out to the world on behalf of my own self identity. Almost begging (for lack of a better word) for others to take notice.

And yet, in my dark and uncertain times I constantly worry about what others must be thinking about me, the anxiety completely taking over. I mean, of course they must be judging me, I don’t really give them much of a choice.

Surprisingly, I almost never worry what others may think of my weight. Is this because I am always seeing other people who are a lot larger than me? Perhaps.

It doesn’t really make sense how I can be confident, while at the same time have this doubt swimming around inside of me. Though this doubt does seem to filter through to my relationships with others. I struggle to make and retain friends. Maybe this is due to the combined effect of both the confidence and the doubt.

Dealing with this strange combination (I think it’s strange, though it’s probably much more common than I realize) is much easier in the wide world of the Internets. There’s a much larger pool of people from which to make contact with, making it more likely to find others who think and feel about things the same way you do. It’s because of the internet that I became aware of my interests in women’s rights, queer rights, human rights, fat acceptance, sex-positivity etc, and it’s through the internet that I was able to find others like me.

I think as I’m getting older, becoming more in tune with my own self, my confidence will out shine the doubt more and more. In the meantime, I’m going to fake it ’til I make it, belief is half the battle after all.

Fat Positivity & Fat Phobia

I wrote this post yesterday. It generated this most fantastic response post by Aeval.

I have been considerably lucky with regards to fat phobic comments. Though Mum always says as we were growing up, she was constantly trying to get me to stop eating so much and my younger, much slimmer sister to eat more, I have no memory of this. It was my sister who used to steal food and hide it in her room. I don’t remember getting teased at school until end of Form 2 (Year 8), and that was one boy calling me “fatty” once. Maybe it was just so terrible that I’ve blocked it all out, but I’m guessing I was just lucky.

Since then I’ve had the “are you pregnant?” comments (seriously, if you’re not 100% sure, you really shouldn’t ask), and comments from family members (particularly my Mum) saying that I should lose weight, though not in so many words, and that they only say it because they “care about me”. I’ve had a couple of fat phobic doctors, but generally I’ve been pretty lucky with that too (and my current doctor is fantastic!).

I don’t know where the confidence that I seem to have comes from. It’s part of the giant contradiction that I seem to be. I like to stand out from the crowd, by what I wear, the colour of my hair, my spiritual beliefs, my social beliefs, maybe I use my weight as part of that. Then we have the part of me that worries about what other think about me, what they say about me behind my back (yay, social phobias!).

Ever since I met J though, the self confidence has been easier. It’s easier to think like this. This is even in the face of my social anxieties becoming more profound once I got my depression under control.

It’s through this blog and getting my Bachelor in Political Science that I hope to reaffirm this self confidence and to help other realize their own self confidence and accepting themselves for all the awesomeness that they are.