“Erotica” to Make You Giggle

You know that banner over to the right that warns you about posts and links that may be Not Safe For Work (NSFW)? This is one of those posts, and has some of those links.

While trawling through the month-long back-log of my Google Reader, I came across this post by Violet Blue which put me on to this little gem: Fifty Shades Generator.

Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey, which is to erotica and BDSM what Twilight is to vampires (spoiler: not that great), upon clicking Ms Blue’s link, I was greeted with this:

The slamming makes me splurge my clunge gunge all over his skin flute. Within no time, I could feel the shitty steamin’ semen trickling from my mavis fritter and all over my hairy goblet. There was cock custard weeping from his ocean’s 11 inches and I was wetter than a well diggers arse. We were ready for more. My mouth was so full of cheese-crusted cock and Da Vinci load, the creamy load was flowing down my chin and onto my superdroopers. The feeling of his love piss salivating down my throat got my vertical moisture flowing quicker than greased shit off a shiny shovel.

Seriously, splurge my clunge gunge!? That’s brilliant, and some pretty fantastic random generation.

Clicking on “generate more” did not disappoint:

After having my chamber of squelch fucked, he then proceeded to slam my mavis fritter. When he removed his brie baton from my cocoa channel, he was pleasantly surprised to see a Mr. Hanky staring back as him. He knew I couldn’t wait to gobble the Mr. Hanky off his spam dagger. I can’t wait to suck the baby gravy from his stilton sword. Inserting a footlong fudge bullet into my smush mitten got me spouting spaff faster than a greased weasel shit. The unrelenting orgasms from his veiny quim prod hammering my cod crater made me come so hard, I began sweating like a gypsy near an unlocked shipping container.

Is it talking about scat play? I’m pretty sure it’s talking about scat play.

And while that makes me a tad uncomfortable (hard limit there), the number of different types of slang used is astounding. Even though the paragraph was generated by a computer, someone still had to enter those terms, had to think up those terms.

So go on, embrace your immaturity, if only for a moment.

The Sexual Bucket List

I saw this little list over at Mrs Discontented’s blog and thought I might give it a go. It’s a sexual bucket list of 50 sexual things you should do before you die and can be originally found here. Should be fun 🙂

Kiss a girl – Yup, more than a couple
Have anal – Yup, doesn’t happen very often though
Have a threesome – Yes indeedy, a couple of times
Engage in group sex – Yup, I sure have
Have phone sex – Phone sex, text sex, big ol’ yes
Masturbate – Of course!!
Use a vibrator – Yup, this and masturbation do tend to go somewhat hand-in-hand
Use a sex toy on someone else – Yup, great fun 😀
Be tied up – Nope, but I do have some restraints that we haven’t gotten around to using yet
Tie someone up – No, I would be the one that gets tied up… unless, of course, I get instructed to tie someone up… I’m sadomasochistic that way
Have sex in a public space – Yup, once in the changing rooms at a swimming pool
Be a voyeur and watch others having sex (live, porn does not count) – Yup, that tends to happen when you engage in group sex and visit Club SE
Sex in a car – Nope and I can’t imagine it would be very easy
Sex at a drive-in -Nope, don’t have drive-in’s here
Mile-high club – Nope, and like sex in a car, I can’t imagine this would be particularly easy
Sex with a stranger – Nope
One-night stand – Yep, a couple of times
Married sex (the best kind, in my opinion) – Nope, gotta be married first to be able to have that
Sex on a boat – Nope, not a big fan of boats
Sex in a body of water – Nope, not really a fan of water or swimming either
Light spanking – Yup and heavy spanking.
Read erotica – Yup, it’s great, depending on the author and style of writing, but you can say that with any kind of literature
Play strip poker/Monopoly/card game – Yup, it’s a good ice breaker when meeting for group sex for the first time
Sex in the shower – Yup, can make for some interesting positions
Sex standing up against a wall – Nope, haven’t found a partner who is the right height for it to happen
Sex with no kissing – Yup, just the once though. I’m a big fan of kissing while engaging in sex but sometimes that doesn’t work in group sex.
Sex in the pitch black – Yup
Sex in the broad daylight – Yup
Making out with no sex long after you’re no longer a virgin – Yup, it’s not all about PnV sex, sometimes you can reach the level of connection need just through kissing and roaming hands
Sex in a tent in the wilderness – Nope, but I would love to, don’t even need the tent!!
Watch porn together – Yup, a couple who watch porn together, stay together 🙂
Watch porn alone – Yup
Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms – Yup, I sure have 😀
Sex on the beach – Nope, and I have no desire to get sand into places that sand really shouldn’t go
Blindfolds – Yup, just the once though, should do it more often
Using ice sexually – Yup
Sexual role play – Nope, interested though
Whipped cream – Nope, have used ice cream though
La Perla lingerie sex – Um no, I don’t understand why this is on the list…
Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie sex – No, don’t understand why this one is here either…
Sex with someone much older – Yup, a 40yr old, 34yr old and 32yr old while I was 22 (my “slut phase”)
Sex with someone younger (legal!) – Yup, a couple of 20yr olds while I was 24
Sex in a foreign country, possibly with a foreigner – Nope, honeymoon should fix that though
A quickie in a skirt – Yup
A longie in the rain – Nope, I imagine that would just get really cold
Sex in the ocean while people swim all around you – Nope
Feather ticklers – Have one, it just tickles though
Sex while “altered” whether by alcohol or something else – Yup, not for a pretty long time though
Learn to orgasm in less than five minutes from intercourse alone – Yup, that’s why foreplay is important 😀
Silent sex in a full house – Yup, hard for me to keep quiet though… I get a bit caught up in the moment

And there you have it! Possibly more than you ever needed to know about me 😛