Decisions Made

Following on from yesterday’s post, I now have a fair idea with regards to my immediate future.

With J’s support, I have decided to withdraw from the rest of the semester.

I am too far behind (four weeks), and I can’t get my head back in the game.  Evil Twin Fae and her gremlins feeding this sense of complete failure is not going to let me fix things quickly.  I realise now that there is no way to salvage the remains of this semester.

I need a break. A chance to re-evaluate things.

At this stage I will be going back to attend the second semester, but probably as more of a part-time student, as per J’s advice.

As the second semester doesn’t start until 9 July 2012, that gives me about two months to sort my head out, and what my future as a student entails.

I’m still very unsure about everything, and how I feel. There is definitely now a sense of relief that a preliminary decision has been made, with a little bit of disappointment poking its way through from underneath.

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak... - sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go

I Feel Like I Missed Out…

I don’t seem to have the ultra-creativity that many other sufferers of Bipolar Disorder seem too…

Sure, I’m fairly eccentric when it comes to my clothing and hair styles, but that’s pretty much it.

I have dabbled in the odd bit of poetry and art, but not for a long time, and I certainly wouldn’t say that it was particularly fantastic (no matter what I tried to tell myself at the time).

Maybe my perceptions are being skewed by society and the media… that and the fact that I have type 2 Bipolar Disorder, which generally doesn’t seem to have the same potentially dangerous and extreme effects on an individual and their surroundings as type 1 does. I tend to have mixed episodes, and, luckily I suppose, not hypomania.

I had thought that once I had my correct diagnoses that it would make everything seem a little better, but now I feel even more isolated than anything else. I have Evil Twin Fae sitting inside my head, surrounded by her gremlins, telling me that I’m doing it wrong.

Who needs trolls when you’ve got your very own one living in your head.

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You can find a complete contradiction of this post here.

I’ll Take That

Continuing on from today’s earlier post, I think I’ll take today as an overall win.

My visit to the doctor went well, and my medication dosage will be increased from tomorrow. This means it will now be at the maximum daily dosage for anxiety/panic. My doctor is going to write to the Canterbury District Health Board (CDHB) to refer me for a mental health assessment. It will probably take at least a couple of months to get an appointment, considering I have been waiting nearly six months for an appointment with the gynecologist (that’s after receiving a letter late February/early March this year stating that I would have an appointment within six months).

Considering my mental state is really starting to impede J’s own studies, I really hope this whole thing gets sorted. It’s not fair on him, and the guilt only makes me worse. The worse I get, the more I feel like I’m going to break something, just to have some sort of release. I have managed to contain myself so far, but it worries me that at some point I might not be able to. I don’t want to hurt myself, and I most definitely don’t want to end up hurting someone else.

It’s like I’m fighting against an evil twin in my mind sometimes, an evil twin who tried their damned hardest to undermine whatever it is that I do, and has the depression and anxiety gremlins for sidekicks. They go around planting seeds of self-doubt and anger, at myself and those around me, all the while hoping to snatch control for themselves and create a whirlwind of havoc. It’s hard maintaining control myself, and it’s getting tiring. I’ve won most of the battles so far, but winning a battle doesn’t mean that you’re winning the war.

Continuing the tally from earlier this week, the score is now:

Evil twin & gremlins – 2 (previously known as Depression/Anxiety)
Me – 1

I can only hope for a draw at best, with there only being one day of lectures to go for this week, but I will take that as a win, and definitely as progress in the right direction.