Stronger Than I Think

Gah!! The image link is broken. Sorry folks, pretty sure it’s gone forever. The post still makes general sense though, I just can’t provide the source of the inspiration.

After this post on Monday, I had an interesting conversation with @_HannahTweets_:

Note: You read this from bottom to top, in case you are unfamiliar with Twitter

This got me thinking. One of the issues stemming from my fight with depression is that I care way too much about what others may think of me. Compare this to the way I present myself to the world, and there’s a giant contradiction. I stand staunchly by my beliefs, though not completely blindly, and try to help others become aware of the vast number of social problems that plague this planet. The way I dress, my hair, my piercings and tattoos are all a giant shout out to the world on behalf of my own self identity. Almost begging (for lack of a better word) for others to take notice.

And yet, in my dark and uncertain times I constantly worry about what others must be thinking about me, the anxiety completely taking over. I mean, of course they must be judging me, I don’t really give them much of a choice.

Surprisingly, I almost never worry what others may think of my weight. Is this because I am always seeing other people who are a lot larger than me? Perhaps.

It doesn’t really make sense how I can be confident, while at the same time have this doubt swimming around inside of me. Though this doubt does seem to filter through to my relationships with others. I struggle to make and retain friends. Maybe this is due to the combined effect of both the confidence and the doubt.

Dealing with this strange combination (I think it’s strange, though it’s probably much more common than I realize) is much easier in the wide world of the Internets. There’s a much larger pool of people from which to make contact with, making it more likely to find others who think and feel about things the same way you do. It’s because of the internet that I became aware of my interests in women’s rights, queer rights, human rights, fat acceptance, sex-positivity etc, and it’s through the internet that I was able to find others like me.

I think as I’m getting older, becoming more in tune with my own self, my confidence will out shine the doubt more and more. In the meantime, I’m going to fake it ’til I make it, belief is half the battle after all.

Being all activist like

I’m on fire lately, what with following up my Green Party membership renewal last week with actually becoming a member of Amnesty International (previously only a donator, not a member), purchasing some Green Party merchandise, some RNZSPCA merchandise (I’m already a member), a Paw Justice t-shirt and my annual Women’s Refuge donation.

I even sent an email to Amnesty International in hope that they will have internships in my area when they do their intake for 2011 (their intake for 2010 has already closed).  Human Rights is definitely the line of work I want to get into once I have completed my law degree and hopefully I’ll be able to use that to better the rights of the LGBTQ community and others.

Gotta help those less fortunate than ourselves, otherwise no one would ever get any help (there’s always someone better off and worse off than you).  If you have a voice, you need to use it, whatever way you can.

And now for an introduction…

After yesterday’s rather “in-your-face” post, I’ve decided to continue on a lighter note and tell you all about myself 😀

I’m 25yrs old and currently in my first year of uni.  Previously I worked for 5 and a half years in admin for a debt collection agency.  I still work part-time for the agency, doing legal documents from home.

During this first year at uni, I’m doing a couple of Arts papers in Sociology, Mass Communication and Political Science.  I’m also doing a paper in Astronomy to fill in time.   Next year I will be starting Law in Ethics and Human Rights 🙂  Eventually I want to get into advocacy for women and LGBTQ.

Speaking of LGBTQ rights, while I generally don’t like labels, I identify myself as a pansexual queer.  Pansexual because I can be attracted to anyone, no matter their gender identity or sexual orientation, including transgender, whether they be MtF or FtM.  I do tend to be more generally attracted to femme or androgynous people.  Queer because my own gender identity can be quite fluid.  While at the moment I tend to be more femme, I do go through stages of “butch-ness”.

I’m also a slightly kinky submissive.  J is my master and I trust him and love him dearly with all my heart.  You can find him here.  During the past 6mths we have been taking a more polyamorous approach to our relationship.  However, after my depression had a vicious resurgence recently (original diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder back in 2003), we have decided to place that on the back burner for the meantime and focus on the two of us and getting myself better.

I am a natural redhead though at the moment my hair is blue-black with honey highlights.  From tomorrow it will be chocolate-brown with honey highlights.  I go through phases of hair dying about every year or so, and while I’m ready to go back to being a redhead now (after being red with blonde & purple streaks, completely purple then onto blue-black), I need to continue being at least dark brown for the next six months, otherwise I won’t suit the colour of the dress I have to wear when I’m bridesmaid for my sister’s wedding in January 2011.

Weddings!!  My fiancée J and I are also getting married on 1 Feb 2012.  Being as that is only about 18mths away, I need to start looking for a celebrant.  Seeing as 1 Feb is the date of the celtic harvest festival of Lammas, I’m going to need to find a celebrant asap, so I can book them for the date that I want.  The celebrant also needs to have experience in performing a handfasting.   If anyone knows of any contacts with regards to this in Canterbury, New Zealand, please let me know in the comments or email me.  Also any suggestions with how to go about organising a pagan handfasting ceremony and reception would be most greatly appreciated.

Continuing with the wedding theme, if anyone knows of any dress makers who specialise in plus-size wedding dresses, please let me know!!  I’m proudly plus-size and vow to not be one of those women who diet for months before their wedding to be the perfect size for their dress, having ordered the dress two sizes too small in the first place (diets don’t work people!!).  My ideal wedding dress would look something like this in red and white with black detail. My maid of honour and bridesmaids will be in black. And oh my god, isn’t this jewellery gorgeous!!??

So that’s me, in a not-so-small-nutshell 🙂