“Erotica” to Make You Giggle

You know that banner over to the right that warns you about posts and links that may be Not Safe For Work (NSFW)? This is one of those posts, and has some of those links.

While trawling through the month-long back-log of my Google Reader, I came across this post by Violet Blue which put me on to this little gem: Fifty Shades Generator.

Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey, which is to erotica and BDSM what Twilight is to vampires (spoiler: not that great), upon clicking Ms Blue’s link, I was greeted with this:

The slamming makes me splurge my clunge gunge all over his skin flute. Within no time, I could feel the shitty steamin’ semen trickling from my mavis fritter and all over my hairy goblet. There was cock custard weeping from his ocean’s 11 inches and I was wetter than a well diggers arse. We were ready for more. My mouth was so full of cheese-crusted cock and Da Vinci load, the creamy load was flowing down my chin and onto my superdroopers. The feeling of his love piss salivating down my throat got my vertical moisture flowing quicker than greased shit off a shiny shovel.

Seriously, splurge my clunge gunge!? That’s brilliant, and some pretty fantastic random generation.

Clicking on “generate more” did not disappoint:

After having my chamber of squelch fucked, he then proceeded to slam my mavis fritter. When he removed his brie baton from my cocoa channel, he was pleasantly surprised to see a Mr. Hanky staring back as him. He knew I couldn’t wait to gobble the Mr. Hanky off his spam dagger. I can’t wait to suck the baby gravy from his stilton sword. Inserting a footlong fudge bullet into my smush mitten got me spouting spaff faster than a greased weasel shit. The unrelenting orgasms from his veiny quim prod hammering my cod crater made me come so hard, I began sweating like a gypsy near an unlocked shipping container.

Is it talking about scat play? I’m pretty sure it’s talking about scat play.

And while that makes me a tad uncomfortable (hard limit there), the number of different types of slang used is astounding. Even though the paragraph was generated by a computer, someone still had to enter those terms, had to think up those terms.

So go on, embrace your immaturity, if only for a moment.

The Philosophical Chicken

Snagged from Jetta Vegas via Tumblr:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

PLATO: For the greater good.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

MACHIAVELLI: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

JACQUES DERRIDA: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

THOMAS DE TORQUEMADA: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.


NIETZSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

OLIVER NORTH: National Security was at stake.

B.F. SKINNER: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

ARISTOTLE: To actualize its potential.

BUDDHA: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

HOWARD COSELL: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.


DARWIN: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

EMILY DICKINSON: Because it could not stop for death.

EPICURUS: For fun.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

JOHANN VON GOETHE: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

WERNER HEISENBERG: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

DAVID HUME: Out of custom and habit.

JACK NICHOLSON: ‘Cause it [censored] wanted to. That’s the [censored] reason.



JOHN SUNUNU: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

THE SPHINX: You tell me.

MR. T.: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!

HENRY DAVID THOREAU: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.

MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

MOLLY YARD: It was a hen!

ZENO OF ELEA: To prove it could never reach the other side.

CHAUCER: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

WORDSWORTH: To wander lonely as a cloud.

THE GODFATHER: I didn’t want its mother to see it like that.

KEATS: Philosophy will clip a chicken’s wings.

BLAKE: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

OTHELLO: Jealousy.

DR. JOHNSON: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

MRS. THATCHER: This chicken’s not for turning.

SUPREME SOVIET: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

OSCAR WILDE: Why, indeed? One’s social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience – although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.

KAFKA: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

SWIFT: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.

MACBETH: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o’er.

WHITEHEAD: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.

FREUD: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter.)

HAMLET: That is not the question.

DONNE: It crosseth for thee.

POPE: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

CONSTABLE: To get a better view.

The Bizarre World of the Bisexual

I certainly am a fan of parody and satire. As a follow on from yesterday’s post, my friend Lucy pointed me towards the following video:

Satire FTW!!

You can see more of MisterSharp’s fantastic videos here, well worth a look 🙂