Gotta Fix It

So, on Friday I went to the doctor about this mania I talked about the other day.

She’s just a regular GP, so doesn’t have any expertise when it comes to bipolar and introducing new meds. GPs just tend to continue prescribing what your psychiatrist prescribe once you’re no longer seeing them. Unfortunately, this means that when you need something to be changed, they really have no idea.

My GP was fully upfront about this, and wasn’t comfortable with prescribing anything for the bipolar directly. However, she was willing to do something about the insomnia. Now I’m on 25mg/day of Seroquel for 30 days. Seroquel is actually a second generation antipsychotic, which is prescribed at higher doses for bipolar. It’s used off-label for insomnia.

So far it’s dealt with the insomnia, almost a little too well, and I’m now getting about 12 hours of sleep per night, as opposed to the five-ish I was getting before. It takes a week or so for it to start working on the mania.

My GP also sent a referral to the Mental Health Unit, and said I should contact them myself too. Having just spoken to someone there, I should get a call tomorrow about an appointment in the next few days.

I always feel silly when I describe what’s happening to me. Like it’s not actually that bad, and that I should just be able to deal with it. Maybe that’s because I’m comparing myself to the way bipolar etc is portrayed in the media, which I know is always the extreme. But then I start thinking, is it though? Is there actually something wrong with me? Maybe I’m just not a nice person, and the “quiet nature” I have (to quote my GP) is all just a facade, which cracks over time, showing people what I’m really like until I’m able to patch it up again.

It’s not like I’m violent, or I’m going to hurt myself, or anyone else.

Maybe all of this is a cry for attention. The irrational behaviour I’ve been having is all just quietly calculated.

But that doesn’t really make sense. And isn’t exactly the actions of a normal, mentally healthy person. And it honestly isn’t until later that I realise how irrational some of my behaviour has been. At the time, I think my actions/reactions are perfectly justified.

And I still can’t write anything for NaNoWriMo. It would seem I peaked on my first day, which is really disappointing. I know I can write. I think it’s another case of me thinking everyone else who succeeds in that area is so much better than me, better than I’ll ever be, so why even bother. I’ll never achieve that greatness.

I have all the ideas in there. I know the bare-bones of it all. But I’m too impatient to put all the connections in, to bulk it out into something that others would actually find interesting, that would pull them in and make them want to read more, to find out how Matti Howarth gets to be running through that forest. And I just don’t think I’m good enough to do it. Everything I write just seems to amateurish. I don’t know how to write in a descriptive manner that brings it all to life in the reader’s mind.

I know it takes time, and practice. But I want it all to be amazing right now. I’m far too impatient to piss around with substandard beginnings. I want things to be brilliant, and I want them to be brilliant right now!

I think that’s my problem with everything I try. If things aren’t fantastic and amazing from the get-go, then I give up. I can’t see what the point is. Which is stupid. I know it is. But I can’t get around the problem. I don’t know how. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. I don’t think I’m good enough, that I can do it, so I can’t. And I don’t know how to change that faulty wiring.

Maybe I should just try some stream-of-consciousness-type writing. That’s what I initially thought I would do for this first NaNoWriMo. But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get away from the need for structure. It’s so frustrating! I can do it for non-fiction writing (just look at this post for example, it’s all over the place), but when it comes to fiction, for some reason everything needs to be precise and perfect. I know I could do it, if I could just get out of these restraints I’ve made for myself, or at least I’m pretty sure I could. Maybe. And there’s that self-doubt again, constantly following me round like some demented faithful dog. In this instance, I would definitely prefer an aloof, uncaring cat.

I know that getting another pill isn’t going to magically fix things, though I wish it would. At least this one makes me feel pleasantly stoned in the period after I take it before I go to bed.

Mania. Ugh.

Sometimes being bipolar is a real drag.

I’m closing in on my second week of this hypomanic cycle and it’s becoming a drag.

I’m sitting here, on the couch, tapping this out on my iPhone because I can’t sleep. Feeling pretty tired, but my mind feels otherwise.

This is my first decent manic cycle for a while. Got all worked up over how the painters were doing the windows, then the lacking water pressure in the renovated bathroom got me really angry, even though we’ve always had low hot water pressure. Now I’ve got the laughing because “everything is hilarious.” It really isn’t though, and on the inside, I’m pretty horrified at how long it can go on for. Giggling mess, but not in a good way. And of course there’s the being AWAKE.

I’ve been trying to write for NaNoWriMo, and while I can feel the story I want to write inside me, it’s getting stifled while it’s trying to come out.

I think that’s the worse part of all of this. It would be better if the mania was at least creative, that it could be channelled in some way. Then maybe the other issues would be lessened.

The way I am now, I’m either dysphoric and irrational, or sad (though that’s pretty settled now that I’m off Effexor). It’s getting incredibly frustrating.

The Adventure is Just Beginning

So yesterday I kinda, sorted, not-really started my first ever attempt at NaNoWriMo like I said I would be doing at the beginning of October.

They always say to write about what you know, so I initially thought I’d take some of my life experiences from my early 20s and use them as inspiration (I have previously written about some of these events here and here).

So I worked out some character names, and jumped in. I struggled to write 700-odd words, and what I had written, I hated. I think maybe because what I was trying to write was too close to reality. I can still be inspired by events, but that doesn’t mean what I’m writing has to be, or even should be, semi-autobiographical.

So I gave up for the day, figuring I’d give it another crack later. Queue 11pm inspiration. An hour later I had a new plot outline, and I was really excited. I really should know by now that my best thinking comes typically at night time, when I’m trying to sleep. I’d been completely uninspired up until that point, so yay 😀

I think what was stymying me before is that I really wanted to write fantasy. That is my favourite genre to read, and why write something you wouldn’t want to read yourself. But I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to think of any ideas that were actually my own, they’d be too closely influenced by Terry Goodkind and George R R Martin. I’m pretty sure I’m over that fear now.

So now I would like to introduce to you, Matilda Howarth, known as Matti for short.

Matti just broke up with her live-in boyfriend Kieran. She’s a serving girl at Janlea Village Tavern. She’s never been out of the collection of villages which make up Eastgriffin, a region in the country Morwald. And now her life is going to change forever.

Every two hundred years four are born with violet eyes who hold the power to continue, destroy, or do nothing about the magic in the world. Do nothing, and the magic will slowly die. For the past six hundred years, they have done nothing. Magic is dying. Do nothing this time, and it will be dead forever.

Three of the four must come together with the amulets that harness their power and make their choice. First they need to find the amulets, then they need to find each other, before it’s too late.

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Because I’m starting over, I have one day less to get to the target of 50,000 words. That makes my daily target 1725. Today I churned out 2072, so I’m starting out ahead, and it took just under 2 and a half hours to do it.

I’m on fire!!

I’ll try to start posting more regularly to keep you all updated with my progress. It’s great to be giving my brain a workout again.

The Wisdom of Maggie

I’m saving up all my writing inspiration at the moment for next months NaNoWriMo (at least that’s what I’m telling myself), so here’s some other stuff you should read.

One of my favourite bloggers is Miss Maggie Mayhem and there have been two posts of her’s in particular of late that I’ve really liked:

1. On the joys of being a femme bear

and 2. The privilege of privacy

Because sharing is caring