Acceptance of the Self

I do not agree with the premise of Valentine’s Day. You should not need a specific day to remind you to show your love to others. Random acts of love are much more meaningful. However, think of this as my Valentine’s Day post: love from others, and how that can effect the love of oneself.

It’s funny which things can have a triggering effect in a positive way.

Yesterday I was thinking about when it was that I started accepting my own self. It happened in a way that many would think bizarre.

Lying in bed one night, after J had drunk a considerable amount of alcohol, he told me, “I love my fat slut.” I believe this is in reference to my body size (obviously), and our polyamorous (open) relationship.

I admit, I was a little shocked initially, but once that soon faded, I realized that I was proud to be his fat slut. Here was the man I loved more than anything in the world, professing his love for me, using terms that many would consider offensive, and using those terms in the most endearing way. It was at that moment that I was proud of who I was, I could see in myself what he was seeing, where I had previously been blind.

He was embarrassed when I told him what he had said the next day. I don’t blame him. He was probably thinking that I was going to be upset, not knowing that what he said had had completely the opposite effect.  It actually filled me with a warm glow-y feeling.  I had never felt so loved and accepted.

I’m not sure whether it’s a good thing that I only found self-acceptance though someone else accepting me, but at least I got there.

Behind The ‘Why’

I have decided give a brief outline of the personal bullshit that caused the creation of yesterday’s post, and, it would seem, the subsequent trolling both here and on my formspring account. I need to do this to finally get the whole off my chest once and for all.

J and I went to a party on Sunday night. There was this girl we meet at said party. I had talked to her only a couple of times online before, this was the first “in real life” meeting.

J and her made out a bit and he asked her to come back to our place. She said no because she was too drunk. J may have been a tad pushy (verbally) and asked her a couple more times, but this didn’t stop her from making out with him more and then giving him her number as we were leaving.

The late on Monday night, her new “BFF” told us to stay away from her, apparently at her request. He accused both of us of not taking no for an answer and of taking someone’s lighter. Which we didn’t. I don’t even like zippo lighters, the smell makes me feel sick, in much the same way rollies do.

We haven’t heard from her.

This whole thing really threw me for a loop, and was really out of the blue. Sexual assault (which I feel is what he was getting at) is a very serious accusation, and there’s no way that was what happened.

Because this girl’s BFF has been a member of the group involved with the party a hell of a lot longer than we have, I feel we wouldn’t be welcome to any future events, which he (if not her) would most likely be in attendance.

J says he doesn’t care and just wants to move on from the whole thing. Try as I might, I can’t help but care. It’s part of who I am. I find it difficult to find other people who think about things the same way I do, and I’m pissed off that that has been taken away from me.

Christchurch and the fetish community are just way to small for this kind of bullshit. Ugh! Why do people have to suck so much!!

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EDIT: Some people would probably say that I’m being a bit of a drama queen for giving a damn about this whole thing. But I just can’t let things go without processing them, and this is how I process.

Bottling things down just fuck you up, and there’s no other way of putting that.

This is my outlet, don’t like it, don’t read this blog. Simple as that. Criticism that isn’t constructive is not helpful, and just makes you look like a douch 🙂

Formspring.me Questions & Answers Part 8

A roundup of the latest questions that I have been asked through formspring.me.

Sadism – nature or nurture?
mainly nature, but you can have instances of nurture

Is there anything you would not do for love, if so, what is it?
kill, I would not kill anyone

If you could own any kind of pet, what would it be?
a ferret, I would love to own a ferret!! But alas, they are illegal in New Zealand

How do you personally define what constitutes as sex?
if you’re performing an act of any kind & you believe it’s sex, then it’s sex, it’s all about intent

Which Star Wars character do you most identify with?
I haven’t watched enough Star Wars movies, or often enough to answer this question

Ever have a near death experience?
thankfully, no

If you were asked how many times you have had sex in your life, what do you think the answer would be?
a huge number, I don’t even know how to guess that

Have you ever had incestuous thoughts before?
no, unless you count having sex with my clone

Would you ever consider opening up your relationship to some physical play with another couple? Would it require all persons to agree and attend at all times? Or could just one partner play with full consent?
I consider our relationship to already be an open one, we have played with other couples before, requires agreement of all parties involved, and one partner can play alone with full consent

If you knew that you would die the next time you had sex, would you remain celibate forever, or have sex that one last time?
I would probably remain celibate, as long as I can still cuddle… that is of course unless it includes masturbation, then I’m totally going to die

What is a Dominant? (A brief definition please. Looking for help to put into words. Thank you.)
Someone who has authority over a submissive, ideally while employing great respect for the others involved so as to not take advantage

What made you smile today?
A satirical letter in the letters to the editor in the newspaper

What is your morning routine?
wake up, have breakfast (which normally consists of a coffee and something else), read the front couple of pages of the paper and the letters to the editor, get dressed/have shower, have a smoke, everything from then on varies

I’m getting sick and tired of people talking about Claire and myself. All I ever hear is how we’re apparently weird, illegal, and gross. I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I think I’m done with formspring. Gonna close it soon. I’d be better off right?
Umm… I don’t know who you or Claire are….

does the carpet match the curtains?
indeed it does

top 3 twitter crushes
@bexielady, @mydesire, and @flexibeast

Want to know something about me, or what I think about something? Ask me here.