Stronger Than I Think

Gah!! The image link is broken. Sorry folks, pretty sure it’s gone forever. The post still makes general sense though, I just can’t provide the source of the inspiration.

After this post on Monday, I had an interesting conversation with @_HannahTweets_:

Note: You read this from bottom to top, in case you are unfamiliar with Twitter

This got me thinking. One of the issues stemming from my fight with depression is that I care way too much about what others may think of me. Compare this to the way I present myself to the world, and there’s a giant contradiction. I stand staunchly by my beliefs, though not completely blindly, and try to help others become aware of the vast number of social problems that plague this planet. The way I dress, my hair, my piercings and tattoos are all a giant shout out to the world on behalf of my own self identity. Almost begging (for lack of a better word) for others to take notice.

And yet, in my dark and uncertain times I constantly worry about what others must be thinking about me, the anxiety completely taking over. I mean, of course they must be judging me, I don’t really give them much of a choice.

Surprisingly, I almost never worry what others may think of my weight. Is this because I am always seeing other people who are a lot larger than me? Perhaps.

It doesn’t really make sense how I can be confident, while at the same time have this doubt swimming around inside of me. Though this doubt does seem to filter through to my relationships with others. I struggle to make and retain friends. Maybe this is due to the combined effect of both the confidence and the doubt.

Dealing with this strange combination (I think it’s strange, though it’s probably much more common than I realize) is much easier in the wide world of the Internets. There’s a much larger pool of people from which to make contact with, making it more likely to find others who think and feel about things the same way you do. It’s because of the internet that I became aware of my interests in women’s rights, queer rights, human rights, fat acceptance, sex-positivity etc, and it’s through the internet that I was able to find others like me.

I think as I’m getting older, becoming more in tune with my own self, my confidence will out shine the doubt more and more. In the meantime, I’m going to fake it ’til I make it, belief is half the battle after all.

Diary Post 2: 18th February 2011

Thought it was about time for another general update 🙂

The wedding date for me and J has now been changed to 27 January 2012, as J’s sister’s husband’s sister (is that sister-in-law? I’m not sure) is having her wedding on 3 February, and having our’s on 2 February wasn’t going to give them much time to travel from up here back down south. Initially we were going to move it to 1 August 2011 to coincide with Imbolc and this date would have been even better in regards of being a tribute to St Brigid. However, it turns out that would be right in the middle of Term 3 for uni, and that just wasn’t practical. So instead of changing the date to the mid-semester holidays in July (and only giving us about 4mths to get organised), it was decided that 27 January would be the date 🙂

With St Brigid being a grain Goddess, having the ceremony around any particular harvest festival is okay, which means Lammas (2 February for the Southern Hemisphere) is still a fine tribute and the new date is still around about the right time of year. It’s all about the intent remember (yay paganism!!).

Now we just need to confirm this date with the celebrant and the venue (both of which we have now found), then it’s all go!!

What else happened this week….

As I mentioned the other day, I got my lip pierced as an early birthday present from J. Seems to be healing pretty well at this stage, though it is slightly annoying only being able to eat food with a fork, or a teaspoon, or by tearing it into tiny bits with my hands. But we’ll get there 🙂

I completed my enrollment for this semester at uni and managed to get a really pretty ID photo for the first time ever, so that’s a bonus 🙂

Yesterday I changed operating systems on my laptop from Windows XP to Ubuntu 10.10 in effort to get my computer to run faster. I was sick of the ridiculously long load times, especially when opening Firefox (though I use Chrome predominately). So far it’s all running well, though I did have some issues with the TweetDeck desktop app taking up far too much of the CPU. So I’m using TweetDeck for Chrome, purely because all the other apps for Linux are shit, to put it bluntly. What I really need is a new laptop, probably the next size up from the HP netbook I have at the moment. Having a 10″ screen is fine if you’re just using it for typing up lecture notes, but for everything else it can be a little annoying.

Today we were supposed to start packing up the flat for the move next weekend, but with all the fluffing around with the laptop (they’re good like that), then forgetting to have lunch which caused my blood sugar levels to get really low and for me to get irrationally angry (particularly with the lack of good Twitter apps for Linux and small screen sizes), time has just run away from me.

That’s all for this rambling diary post today. On Monday I start back at uni for the first semester full of Political Science, Sociology, Modern World History and Philosophy, which will hopefully result in some deep and thoughtful posts in the near future.

Another Addition to my Rebellion Against “The Man”

Got my lip pierced today 🙂 It’s an early birthday present from J.

Just another one part of my fight to be individual and to stand out from the crowd. Like my tattoo I got nearly a year ago:

I know my Mum will hate the piercing, just like she doesn’t really like my tattoo, apart from the colours I had it done in, because they make it more subtle.

Next on my list is another tattoo on my left arm in this design:

This is the word “Spirit” converted into Long Branch Runes. A tribute to my Viking roots.

Another tattoo I am wanting to get is the Tree of Life in the top centre of my back with the Triple Crescent above it in tribute to Goddess Brigid (also known as St Brigid):

The back tattoo at least is a little out of range of my budget at the moment… donations gratefully accepted 😛