My Rapist was my Boyfriend

There have been a number of conversations lately regarding consent. After reading this article by Tracy Clark-Flory about safewords being ignored, I decided it was time I talked about my own experience.

TRIGGER WARNING: Rape

When I was 23, I was raped.

It took me a long time to realise what happened was in fact rape. I had thought just acknowledging it would be enough to come to terms with what happened, and it did, for a short time. I hope by talking about it now, it will give me some closure, and perhaps stop the same thing from happening to at least one other person.

I was young, inexperienced, naïve and in my first BDSM relationship. French was my Master, and I was his submissive. I was completely infatuated with him, and trusted him completely. I couldn’t talk to anyone else about the relationship, because I was French’s secret mistress, and he didn’t want it getting back to his partner. I got it in my head that because they were having problems, he would leave her for me, and to help that happen, I would do anything to please him.

One night French sent me a text to say he was coming round. I was to meet him at the door completely naked, or we would have anal sex (which we had not had together up until that point, because I was not ready, and had told him so, repeatedly). That was the whole extent of the negotiation. No discussion of safewords, hard limits, or anything else. I didn’t think I would ever never a safeword. Why would I? I (thought I) was in love with French, and trusted him completely. He would never force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Would he?

I was living in a flat by myself at this point. So I had no safety back up, someone to help me make sure nothing went wrong. Again, I didn’t think I would need to.

I sat on the couch, naked under my bathrobe, eagerly awaiting French’s arrival. He knocked, I disrobed, and opened the door. I thought (mistakenly) that this would show him that I truly had no desire to engage in any anal sex with him that night.

French led me to my bedroom. Some foreplay ensued. He grabbed a condom, put it on. Then it happened. He flipped me over onto my front and pinned me down. I tried to get away, while saying “No! I don’t want to!” He ignored my pleas, even though consensual non-consent was not part of our dynamic (I didn’t even know such a thing existed). There was no preparation, no lube. I stopped struggling, and lay there silently, trying to move into a position where maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much, just wanting it to be over.

When he was finished, I felt numb, unsure what had just happened. Rape never even crossed my mind, after all, he was my boyfriend. Boyfriends don’t rape their girlfriends.

I ignored whatever I was feeling. Dirty. Used. After putting my bathrobe back on, I joined French on the couch, and we watched Project Runway together. And he went home.

A couple of weeks later, French and I parted ways. I had met J, and, after falling for him completely (for real this time), wanted to be exclusive.

About two years later, French got in contact with me again. By this point I had realised the true extent of what had happened, and I told him as such. He sheepishly said he didn’t realise, and had just gotten caught up in the moment. I believe that was his “apology.” I have not talked to him since, and have no desire too.

I know now that I, in no way, deserved what happened to me. I had followed the rules, and he had taken advantage of my innocence.

I don’t regret what happened though, it has helped make me who I am today, and I’m pretty ok with that person.

The Kink Spectrum Revisited

I first did a post on the kink spectrum back in April 2011. I figured seeing as it has been nearly a year, and I have done two other kink-related posts recently (here and here), I may as well give it another go, this time though I have included another test from OkCupid.com, the result of which will follow the two original tests.

My results for The Kink Spectrum Test:

 

Connoiseur
Kink repertoire 79%; 65% mental, 42% polar, and 62% unusual. Previously: Kink repertoire 71%; 64% mental, 79% polar, and 52% unusual.

Explanation of variables (I have highlighted the categories which I fall into, and noted difference to previous result in sea green):

KINK: How broad your kink repertoire is.
If your percentage isn’t as high as you think it should be, keep this in mind: there are people who like kinky things that you don’t like out there, and that may be a useful thing to know. Look for people who have similar overall kinkiness percentages.
– Higher, not by much though.

MENTAL: Mental vs. physical axis.
0-30: you enjoy the physical more than the mental
30-70: you enjoy the physical and mental equally
70-100: you enjoy the mental more than the physical
– Higher (barely), same category.

POLAR: Polar vs. nonpolar axis.
Whether it matters who’s doing it — you or the other person.
0-30: you like it both ways
30-70: your preferences are somewhat directional
70-100: you do one thing, they do another
– Lower, it would seem I now take a more balanced approach.

UNUSUAL: Unusual vs. typical axis.
0-30: you like the usual things
30-70: you do some of both
70-100: you prefer strange stuff
– Higher, still in the same category, but slightly less vanilla.

Within the cornucopia of kink, there are some things that most people, even people who don’t think of themselves as kinky, enjoy. Then there are things that it’s really best to ask first, or you might find yourself staring at a shocked or confused expression on the face of your naked companion. So it’s good to know how typical vs. unusual your preferences are.

——————————————————————————————————————————

My results for The Kink Spectrum Analysis Test:

 

Blue (450 nm)
You scored 68% self-confidence and 61% bandwidth! Previously: 70% self-confidence and 67% bandwidth.

Comparison with previous results is in magenta.

You scored 64% giving and 31% receiving on oral.
– Decrease in both, 68% giving and 38% receiving.
You scored 78% giving and 100% receiving on anal.
– Slight decrease in giving (89%), and now all for receiving (90%).
You scored 8% giving and 50% receiving on bondage.
– Interestingly preference for giving has not changed (8%), and but desire for receiving has (64%).
You scored 44% giving and 62% receiving on humiliation.
– No change for giving (44%), and confirmation of what I was already suspecting, that I am indeed more interested in receiving (71%).
You scored 28% giving and 67% receiving on pain.
– I’m not so interest in the art pain it would seem, 44% giving and 76% receiving.
You scored 36% dominance and 53% submission.
– More dominant (33%) and less submissive (60%), which is actually the opposite of what I’ve been feeling lately. Go figure. Though I may be confusing my desire for humiliation and degradation with submission.
You scored 71% voyeurism and 58% exhibitionism.
– Same interest in watching (71%), but would like to be watched slightly more (53%).

Besides that, you’re 44% into fetishism (what the? that’s certainly a surprise, 75%) and 88% polysexual (same same same, 88%) (i.e. interested in sex with multiple partners, whether at the same time or not). You’ll probably want a partner who is similar, whether you scored high or low in these categories.

Finally, you scored 39% on autoerotic (this is also an unexpected change, 65%) – a scale that measures your ability and/or willingness to have kinky fun without a partner. It’s not exactly a matching criterion, but it’s good for you if your score is high. Keep it up!

———————————————————————————————————————————

And now we have the new test:

My results for The GIGANTIC Sexual Impurity Test:

 

The Seeker of Kink
You have 51% Impurity, 37% Experience, 69% Fantasies, and 35% Freakyness!

You have experimented quite a bit in your life, but you long to do more… a lot more. All those taboos are simply begging to be broken… (Yeah, that’s about right.)

———————————————————————————————————————————

And that’s it. Take the tests for yourself, and let me know how you go in the comments below 🙂

What’s Your Kink?

My particular area of interest seems to change every six months or so. The following is pretty accurate for the way I’m feeling at the moment.

//
You Scored as Submissive(((Note: This quiz is not totally comprehensive because of the length such a quiz would be. I kept it sex-based because I felt that psychological profiles and motivations were too complicated and vary too greatly among people that practice BDSM.)))It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominant person wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Submissive
89%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur
89%
Experimental
82%
Degradation Lover
75%
Switch
71%
Masochist
68%
Sadist
50%
Bondage
43%
Dominant
32%
Vanilla
4%

You can do the test for yourself here

Where Are YOU On The Kink Spectrum?

Came across these tests today on OkCupid (thanks to Mademoiselle Kitty’s FetLife account), and I thought I’d share the results with you all 🙂

My result for The Kink Spectrum Test …
Connoiseur
Kink repertoire 71%; 64% mental, 79% polar, and 52% unusual.

Explanation of variables (I have placed emphasis on which category range I fall into):

KINK: How broad your kink repertoire is.
If your percentage isn’t as high as you think it should be, keep this in mind: there are people who like kinky things that you don’t like out there, and that may be a useful thing to know. Look for people who have similar overall kinkiness percentages.

MENTAL: Mental vs. physical axis.
0-30: you enjoy the physical more than the mental
30-70: you enjoy the physical and mental equally
70-100: you enjoy the mental more than the physical

POLAR: Polar vs. nonpolar axis.
Whether it matters who’s doing it — you or the other person.
0-30: you like it both ways
30-70: your preferences are somewhat directional
70-100: you do one thing, they do another

UNUSUAL: Unusual vs. typical axis.
0-30: you like the usual things
30-70: you do some of both
70-100: you prefer strange stuff
Within the cornucopia of kink, there are some things that most people, even people who don’t think of themselves as kinky, enjoy. Then there are things that it’s really best to ask first, or you might find yourself staring at a shocked or confused expression on the face of your naked companion. So it’s good to know how typical vs. unusual your preferences are.

————————————————————————————————————————————–

My result for The Kink Spectrum Analysis Test …
Blue (450 nm)
You scored 70% self-confidence and 67% bandwidth!

Wow! You have quite a big repertoire when it comes to kinky sex. And you’re probably also willing to play on either side of the fence. You should look for another Blue, or an Ultraviolet if you want to broaden your horizon. Greens may be okay as well but will probably bore you after a while. Reds are too vanilla for you.

But I promised you a more detailed analysis, so here it is. Note that most scales are twofold: There are separate values for giving (active) and receiving (passive). If you scored high on one of them, you should look for a partner who scored high on the other. If you scored high on both of them, go for someone who is similar (or for multiple partners if you’re into that). If you scored low on both, this probably is not your kind of kink.

You scored 68% giving and 38% receiving on oral.
You scored 89% giving and 90% receiving on anal.
You scored 8% giving and 64% receiving on bondage.
You scored 44% giving and 71% receiving on humiliation.
You scored 44% giving and 76% receiving on pain.
You scored 33% dominance and 60% submission.
You scored 71% voyeurism and 53% exhibitionism.

Besides that, you’re 75% into fetishism and 88% polysexual (i.e. interested in sex with multiple partners, whether at the same time or not). You’ll probably want a partner who is similar, whether you scored high or low in these categories.

Finally, you scored 65% on autoerotic – a scale that measures your ability and/or willingness to have kinky fun without a partner. It’s not exactly a matching criterion, but it’s good for you if your score is high. Keep it up!

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Interesting, no?

On a side note, J and I delved into the world of age play for the first time last night.  My own response to this certainly wasn’t what I had expected *grin*  It was more just name calling, with me being “a naughty girl for spending all of Daddy’s money while he was away” and such like.  I’m very interested to see how this develops 🙂
The BDSM Emblem